I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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