Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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