I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
This baby is an asshole
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
