I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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