So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
