I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
