Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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