dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
