Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
