Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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