just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
