i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
