I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
