And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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