the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
from now on my penis is your penis
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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