i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
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