you guys were way drunker than both of me
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
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Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
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The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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