i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
