Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
