i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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