if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
