why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
