Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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