my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We got so high we made milksteak
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
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It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
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Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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