I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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