Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
