after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
