I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
