I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
