this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
