What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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