i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Randomize
