I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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