Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
