He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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