did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When are your genitals available?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
