The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Randomize
