Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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