You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
