I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
