My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
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He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
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I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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