there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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