Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
