Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
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