I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
third nipple confirmed
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
