So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
