It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
All I want is dick and wine.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
