I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
