I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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