Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
