i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
