Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
