I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
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you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
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At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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