Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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