It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
