hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
