you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
