just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
