Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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