I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
