My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
