areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
