Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
