Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
