My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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